by Deborah H.Recently I’ve been moved by the difficulties several of our membership are having “raising” aging parents. As many of you know, I’m in this boat, too. My parents have presented complex challenges to my life, for sure. And I must say, it is an extremely frustrating and confusing exercise. I always thought “rebellious teenager” would be the hardest situation to manage. But now I know differently. “Aging parents” is the tougher of the two.
Perhaps that’s because we owe so much to them for all they’ve sacrificed for us over the years. Perhaps it’s because as children, we still must honor our parents and treat them with respect. Sometimes that’s really complicated when the tough decisions must be made and implemented.
In ways, there are similarities between rebellious teenager and aging parents:
- In both cases, we are deemed “the enemy.”
- In both cases, they believe they are perfectly capable of living independently from us. We know better. But when we try to explain to them the ultimate consequences of their actions and behaviors, they tell us we’re just being negative. One group’s functional independence is in the future. For the other, it’s sadly in the past.
- In both cases, no matter how gently we try to present alternative views and suggestions, they take it as criticism and answer with emotional outbursts.
- In both cases, they bad-mouth us to their friends.
- In both cases, they suspect our motives. Instead of seeing the intense love that motivates our assistance and guidance, they think we’re being mean, that we enjoy “putting them down.”
- In both cases, when we make the effort to keep up with what they’re doing, where they’re going, who they’re seeing, how they’re struggling, we are told we’re trying to control them when we are actually looking for ways to help.
I’m telling you, it’s a hard road, this parenting your parents. We must be so careful with how we speak to them, what we suggest, how to care for them while promoting as much independence as they can actually achieve. At first, maybe it’s just picking up on things that indicate they could be losing their cognitive abilities. Or maybe we can see that their physical abilities have diminished.
We take them to the doctor and stay with them because many times they don’t remember what the doctor said if we don’t. We make sure there is food in the cupboards and in the refrigerator—and must also make sure it’s not all still there the next time we visit.
We begin to take on more and more responsibility. We fill their pill boxes every week because they’ve begun to get confused about when they take what. We must look to their every day hygiene. Sometimes we have to ask, “When was the last time you bathed, Mother?” This is usually met with something resembling, “None of your business.” She doesn’t see how much pain it causes when you notice the smell of unwashed flesh about her when she’s always been so fastidious about her grooming.
When we see their car parked horizontally on the driveway or get calls from strangers telling us our parents have gotten lost on their way to or from their house, we know we must step in and take their car keys, no matter how much they protest. Their safety and the lives of others on the road trump their hurt feelings and damaged egos.
Inevitably, we find they are not able to stay by themselves anymore. It becomes necessary to move them closer to us, or in with us, or move in with them, or move them into an assisted living facility, or even a nursing home. It breaks their hearts to leave their home, to whittle their possessions to fit their new accommodations. They don’t realize how it also breaks our hearts to do it.
Just like we must ensure spiritual nourishment with our children, we must also look to our parents’ needs in this important area, as well. There again, many times this input is not appreciated and is sometimes even resented.
My mom sometimes says, “I wish you’d think about me every now and then.” Oh, if she only knew that there are very few moments of the day and night that she is NOT on my mind.
This brings me to the last similarity between rebellious teens and aging parents—no matter how sacrificially we serve them, love them, guide them, chauffeur them, and care for them, we are almost totally unappreciated. That’s hard to bear for most of us. My pet peeve in this arena is this: I don’t do these things for kudos and expressions of appreciation. Those things are nice every once in a while, it’s true! But I can serve without that. What makes me angry is when I’m doing everything I can for them and meet with criticism and resentment in return. “Okay, don’t give me the positive. I can handle that. But don’t give me the negative criticisms when I’m trying so hard to please you.” That’s when pride raises its head in my life.
The point is this: we cannot, in either case, allow their ingratitude to affect our level of care. We must still provide guidance, care, instruction, and (don’t forget) LOVE! So many times I have to remember Matthew 25:40, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.” Wow! What a motivator for service. When my heart is faint within me and I want to throw my hands up and say, “Okay, you’re on your own,” I have to stop and remember that what I do for my parents I do for Christ.
If I think in those terms, it’s my Lord’s hand I hold to keep Him steady. It’s His food I prepare and sometimes feed to Him. It’s His well-being I’m most concerned with. It’s His safety I look after.
Our parents sacrificed for us and loved us when we were an awful lot of trouble and expense. They struggled through the tough years for us. Now it’s our turn, no matter what the sacrifice, even if they don’t appreciate us, even if they’re an awful lot of trouble, even if they’re costing us a lot of our hard-earned money. This is the way of things.
I hear you talk about these issues. I notice the heart-felt prayer requests. I sense the emotional and physical toll it’s taking on some of you. And my heart overflows with compassion. I know how hard it is. And I just want you to know I understand.
One day, we won’t have this struggle anymore. One day, they will have passed away. Already I’m steadily saying goodbye to aspects of their personalities and their traits. Already I’m missing the mom and dad I used to have. But one day, I’ll have them no more. I don’t know about you, but that makes me want to serve them better today.
Brothers and sisters, we are commanded to bear each other’s burdens. Let us offer encouragement and support to each other as we navigate this oh-so-tricky time in our lives and in the lives of our parents. Through prayer, trust, effort and love, we can each approach this service as a special ministry opportunity. And may God be with us! It is His strength that will enable us to see this through to the inevitable end.
