By Becky A.Female friendships have been on my mind a lot lately. They are both difficult and refreshing, fulfilling and frustrating.
My thoughts on female friendships have evolved over time and probably will continue to evolve throughout my years. In my early years, I desired female friendships, but found myself a very jealous, competitive friend. With those heart issues, I wasn't very successful at female friendships. Most of my close friends were guys, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
As I grew older, got married, and grew in the Lord, I had female friendships, but they were a cheap substitution for a lacking marriage relationship. Wade and I were not close, so I pursued closer friendships with women. Because of the imbalance of these relationships, and the contrast to God's design, my friendships were not godly or sustaining friendships. God wouldn't honor them when I was focused on complaining about my husband, cultivating my own personal interests, and being around people who would meet my needs.
After a time, God began to do a major work in my marriage that brought reconciliation and renewed love for Wade and me. We grew closer. In an over-reaction to the past phase of my relational life, I then began to think that female friendships were unnecessary and "usually sinful." The blame for a bad marriage, I wrongly thought, fell on my female friendships. This, again, was a wrong, unbiblical view of female friendships.
It took a few years, but God began to convict me of how callous and cold this view was. I was hurting women who thought they were my friends. I still remember one particular email that expressed the pain I had caused. My thinking (and boldly sharing what I thought about friendships) also made women confused. They began to question how they felt about female friendships. I made them seem insignificant by the way I talked about my beliefs. Shame on me! It actually showed my immaturity.
As God convicted me, I began to ask Him to show me how to define my friendships with women from Scripture rather than the self-help books that fill our Christian bookstore shelves. What did He desire them to look like? How could they honor the Lord? It also meant that He started challenging me in two areas: What kind of friend was I? And what kind of friend would enhance my walk with the Lord?
I will tell you that my thinking was still not clear or godly, but God slowly began to show me from His Word how to love the body of Christ. As I read passages like Romans 12:9-21, I Corinthians 13, I John, Proverbs 31, Titus 2, and also about how Jesus treated people while He was on earth in the gospels, I saw a different picture of friendship than I had lived my whole life.
If I am honest -- and I have to be -- I will tell you that I didn't like what I was learning. This love that Christ talked about was hard. I enjoyed serving myself! It would require more from me than I wanted to give. And I will tell you it is still hard for me. Godly love in friendships calls for vulnerability, quick forgiveness, forbearance, acceptance, open and honest communication, ability to seek forgiveness, humility, and selflessness: all areas that my prideful heart struggles with daily. It meant I needed to shut up and listen way more than I ever had. Ouch! I needed a fresh, honest look at who I really was inside, and it was not pretty. But it is also kind of the Lord to continue to show me. Being the loving Father that He is, He desires my holiness and can't leave me in my sin.
Though it was hard, my heart desired to be a godly friend and to honor the Lord in this area, so I began to ask God to change me from the inside out. As He has been changing me, I want to tell you some things He is flushing OUT: pride, anger, control, self-protection, holding grudges, high expectations of others but low expectations of me, lots of opinions (mine!), being overly sensitive......just to name a few. There are many!
There are also things He is trying to GROW within me: meekness, self-denial, others-focus, balance, vulnerability, service, acceptance of others who are different from me, and mutual respect. I have a very long way to go in these areas, but God is very patient and long suffering. He continues to show me where I am failing, but also encourages me to repent and turn back to His plan for loving relationships.
There must be, in my own heart, a deep desire to grow in the Lord and to see my friend grow in Christ. This will mean that I am willing to edify them in the Word, as well as gently speak the truth in love when necessary. If someone coddles me while I am thinking wrongly or in sin, they are not my true friend. True friends desire my spiritual intimacy with the Lord.
We mutually respect each other's life and time. We know our place. We care for each other, but sometimes our time together will not reflect just how much. One of the most important aspects for me is that we hold the friendship loosely. What that means to me is this: there is no room for jealousy. We encourage other friendships. We aren't easily offended. When something happens (or nothing happens for a while), we assume the best. We believe the best about each other.
Seeing how my thinking has changed over the years, I can only believe that it will continue to change as I grow in Christ and in experience with women's friendships. Yet, here is where I find myself now. I believe it is more godly and balanced, but I continue to pray that God will open my eyes to see how I can live with female friends in a way to honor Him.
My heart is full with the friendships that God has given me at this time in my life. I can honestly say that I have several very close, godly friendships, and that encourages my heart. God is growing me and, as He grows me, He is sharing with me the blessing of godly friendships. I am daily grateful!
Lord, may I learn to live with others in the body of Christ as You lived among believers while You were here on earth. It will require less of me and more of You. Please make this true in my life. May my friendships always edify the body of Christ.
This article was excerpted from Becky's blog. Read the entire article here.
